i feel so uninspired to blog. but heyyy there has been lotsa stuff i havent blogged about. my japan trip. my australia trip. my graduation ceremony. my first job (?). im just too lazy. to blog. arghhh. i need to get the drive back!!

briefly scanned through nisha’s blog and realised how trivial my blog posts are. you think soooo deep, girl!! so much that i feel ashamed of my entries!! haha.

dont tell me to wait because waiting is what i have been doing for a long time. maybe im not interesting enough. maybe im not funny enough. maybe im not petite enough. maybe im not skinny enough. maybe im not pretty enough. maybe im not girly enough. maybe im not attractive enough.

people actually turn homo because of similar situations like mine? i really wonder..okie not like im entertaining thoughts of turning gay because i love guys, generally speaking. but im starting to doubt my ability to actually love someone. like wholeheartedly. like what dramas always say when you think about the person all the time. when the first person you think of is the person when something bad or good happens. i havent had the chance to actually experience that because i dont hang out with guys often.

this is what happens when youre alone in the office and suddenly get news of younger friends being in a relationship. oh well, time to knock off from work.

when the new year comes, it also means that im nearing the end of my university life. what have i achieved? umm a degree? HAHA. sigh, where is my university sweetheart whom i will marry in the future ah?! HAHAHA. obviously, hes still missing. rawr. i guess ill find one when i go to work? lmao.

anyway, for those who dont know yet, my new eye candy is working in my school! LMAO. shall not divulge too much information in this open space. many eyes might be lurking. bleh. lets see how long this will last eh. and frankly speaking? im sad that im finishing school, because that means i cannot see him!! LOL T____T

thats all for now. i came in just to sweep off the layer of dust on this blog. i still have reports waiting for me.

then comes the job part. will we actually share the amount of salary that we get when we all have jobs? will the different positions we managed to get pressure the others? will we meet lesser and lesser due to our hectic schedules until it’s only once a year? what if some of us migrate and hardly talk again?

arghhh i hate it when my brain thinks too much. and i hate it when i start to have THAT feeling again. trust me, it’s torturing.

despite living under the same roof, we dont talk anymore. even if we do, we talk begrudgingly. things have been like this since June. 9th June 2010. the day when i told him to accompany me to apply for my driver’s license. we were supposed to get our lunch because the parents werent at home. but because mom was afraid it might rain, she called and asked to bring in the clothes. i told him to bring in the other half, the heavier ones. he didnt want to, claiming that he always does the chores. i ignored him and went to get dressed. behind the closed door, he kept telling me to bring in the rest of the clothes. i continued to ignore. we didnt want to give in. when i was ready, i curtly told him to settle his own lunch and stormed out of the house.

it sounded like i was in the wrong because ultimately, no one likes to be walked out on. still, he cant be that petty to this extent right? i bet if his girlfriend did that, he would totally cave in within hours, or days. it’s been almost 4 months. surely things have cooled down? definitely not, because when we talk, there’s this angst in our voices. that almost-like hatred. the eye contact that we have, it’s just cold. dead.

it pains me that he no longer talks to me like the way he did, the way we have our every other nightly talks before we sleep, the way i used to poke fun of him for no reason. the only time we talked normally was during events. it was during the wedding when he called me ‘er jie’ for the first time in a very long time. i responded. i also saw the surprised look he gave to the girlfriend – the look that said ‘whoa i just called her er jie’.

i did try to make peace, i bought him biscuits – that teddy bear biscuits we always shared together when we were younger (although we each have our own individual packet when we got older). he took days before he decided to eat it, but only when i prompted him to eat it. i even asked him if he was gonna ignore me forever, he just kept quiet. i also remembered meeting him at the MRT station when we were on our way home. i wanted to take the bus and he wanted to walk. he told me to take the bus if i wanted to. of course i didnt want to make things worse, so i followed him back. he just kept on walking without a word. when i saw him, i thought it was a good opportunity to make up but with the cold attitude he gave, i was very dejected.

i dont know how long this will last, but im pretty sure that quarrel 4 months ago was the turning point in our sibling relationship. and the best thing is, no one in the family seems to notice that something is amiss. my sister knew we fought but didnt bother much. i guess she doesnt know the gravity of it. im trying to hold it in, but things were to become ugly, i might just break.

if only i brought in all the clothes. if only i didnt walk out on him.